昨天开组会的时候，manager N突然提到那天早晨我发的一封push EE的邮件，说I’m superised he pushed them very hard. First time to see Z has a backbone and ownership.

我心想，啊我之前干那么多活都不算ownership吗。 与此同时，我的直属manager还有其他经常跟我work的同事都笑了，一个senior A说，you should see Ze in a meeting after 6pm. 听到这句我也笑了。

他说的是之前有段时间， 我们经常需要在晚上跟亚洲开会 。 其中有一次跟vendor开会的时候，对面完全回答不出我提出的技术问题，顾左右而言他，我被搞得很不耐烦，直接打断他，语气冷酷地逐条跟他确认是或否，或者他就是不知道。 A后来跟我说，那次我的表现让他印象深刻。

我博士期间的实验室在上周末搞了一年一度的picnic，当时跟在另一个大厂工作的小P聊天。 我说在我们公司，desense的优先级很低，compliance能过最重要。他说啊？他是compliance，但是被desense压制。

总之上班就是压制与反压制。

另外我跟Leo提到组会上的事情，说I realize somtimes being a littile bit tough will make others respect you。他的反应竟然是this is true for a man。 我立刻意识到，oh yes, this might not be true for a women.

During our group meeting yesterday, my manager N suddenly mentioned an email I’d sent that morning pushing the EE team. He said, “I’m surprised he pushed them that hard. First time I’ve seen Z with a backbone and ownership.”

In my head, I was like—wait, so all the work I’ve done before doesn’t count as ownership? Meanwhile, my direct manager and other teammates who work with me often started laughing. One senior teammate, A, said, “You should see Ze in a meeting after 6 p.m.” I laughed too.

He was referring to a period when we had a lot of evening calls with Asia. In one meeting with a vendor, they completely dodged my technical questions, answering around in circles. I got so fed up I just cut them off and went through each question one by one—yes or no, or admit you don’t know. My college A later told me that left a strong impression on him.

Over the weekend, my PhD lab had its annual picnic, and I was chatting with P, who works at another big tech company. I told him that in our team, desense usually takes a back seat—compliance is king. He was surprised, because in his team, he is in charge of compliance, but he actually gets overruled by desense.

I guess work is just a never-ending game of suppression and counter-suppression.

Besides, I mentioned the group meeting story to Leo and said, “I realize sometimes being a little bit tough will make others respect you.” His response: “This is true for a man.” And I immediately realized—oh right, that might not be true for women.