一晃已经有两个月没有写博客了，主要是因为九月回国待了一个月，期间经历了H1B政策乌龙的惊魂周末。九月底回来之后搬家，上周末又去了一趟LA。 甚至包括手机从用了五年的12 mini换到iphone 17，工作电脑从windows换成macbook这些小事，都让我久久没有一种生活重新回到正轨的感觉。 这一周就在通过很多小事开始让自己重新安定下来，比如重新开始上班带饭、重新开始运动、重新active岩馆membership，当然也包括重新开始写博客。

上周看了一部97年上映的动画电影，《未麻的部屋》，英文名是perfect blue。去之前我不知道这个片子，但是据Leo讲它其实很出名，包括black swan都有借鉴这部片。 看了之后果然感觉很受震撼，不愧是神作。

以下是轻微剧透。

未麻是一个从外地来东京逐梦的小爱豆，跟其他两个女孩组了个女团，但她们的歌连排行榜前一百都没进过，日常也就开开几十个人那种的小公演，生活里她也只能住小小的一间studio。 为了破局，经纪公司决定让人气稍高的未麻从组合毕业，转行到电视圈。但是估计日本的爱豆和演员之间也有壁，转型初期的未麻只能接到只有一句台词的小角色。 内麻其实并不确定演员是否真的是一条正确的路，但虽然内心郁闷，对外她表现得还是很元气，一句台词也反复练习。加上经纪人的争取，慢慢也混上了三五句台词。

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内麻自己在纠结要不要从爱豆转型成演员，她原来的粉丝更是反应激烈，恐吓信直接寄到了片场，跟踪狂出现在她生活的不同场合。 但是开弓没有回头箭，经纪人求来的加戏竟然是漏点的强暴戏，戏外还安排她拍裸体写真。再加上剧情本身就是凶杀案，未麻仿佛慢慢入戏了，精神渐渐恍惚。 在她的梦里出现了一个还在当爱豆的自己，依旧元气满满，但结局又总是血腥暴力。而现实当中，给她写强暴戏的编剧和给她拍写真集的摄影师相继被虐杀。

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工作之外，千禧年的互联网方兴未艾，有粉丝创立了一个博客，以未麻的口吻更新她每天的行程和心情，很多粉丝都以为这是未麻本人在更新。 精神恍惚的未麻哪里经受得了电子鸦片，她的行为慢慢也受到博客内容的影响，博客里前一天更新的内容，第二天她自己下意识就做了。

一切都已经混乱，电视剧的情节、梦、现实、博客里的描述、镜中的倒影交织在一起，画面不停切换，未麻不停惊醒，观众已经不知道那里是真那里是假。最后当然是爆发，爱豆未麻如鬼魂般现身，一路追杀未麻。 一番搏斗之后面具滑落，真凶现身，结局。

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故事里，未麻出演的那不电视剧叫做double bind（双重束缚）。这是一个心理学概念，暗示未麻无论怎么做，都是“错”的：一方面，她想摆脱“清纯偶像”的形象，成为成熟的演员； 另一方面，她又承受着粉丝和社会的期待，被要求维持“完美女孩”的形象。她既不能自由选择，也无法逃脱，最终产生幻觉，最终陷入精神危机。

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从故事延伸出去，浅层来想，这是每一个爱豆光鲜生活背后需要面对的困境，从钟铉到雪莉，这样的故事依旧在重复。往深里想，我们每个人在工作中都难逃双重束缚，不管怎么做都觉得是错的。 好的故事让我们每个人都能看到自己身处困境之中。

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It’s hard to believe it’s been two months since my last blog post. A lot has happened in between: I spent a month back in China in September, went through a mini heart-attack weekend thanks to an H-1B policy “miscommunication,” moved apartments when I got back, and then made a quick trip to LA last weekend. Even the little things — switching from my five-year-old iPhone 12 mini to the new iPhone 17, or changing my work laptop from Windows to a MacBook — made it hard to feel like life was settling into a steady rhythm again.

This past week, I’ve been trying to ground myself through small habits: bringing lunch to work again, getting back into my workout routine, reactivating my climbing gym membership… and of course, picking up blogging again.

Last week I watched a 1997 animated film I’d never seen before: Perfect Blue (《未麻的部屋》). Leo told me it’s actually quite famous — apparently Black Swan was heavily inspired by it. After watching, I totally get why people call it a masterpiece. It shook me.

(Light spoilers below.)

The film follows Mima, a young idol from the countryside who moves to Tokyo chasing her dreams. She’s part of a small girl group that never really breaks out — their shows barely draw a few dozen people, and her tiny apartment matches the scale of her career. To change that, her agency decides Mima should “graduate” from the group and transition into acting. But breaking out of the idol mold isn’t easy. At first, she only gets one-line roles, but she practices them over and over, and with her manager’s help, gradually gets a few more lines.

The turning point comes when the roles — and the pressure — escalate. Fans send threatening letters. A stalker starts showing up in her daily life. She’s pushed into a controversial nude scene and a sexual assault scene in a drama, and soon reality, fiction, and imagination begin to blur. A more “pure,” idol-era version of Mima begins to haunt her — bright, bubbly, and violent. Meanwhile, the writer and photographer involved in those controversial scenes are found brutally murdered.

All of this is happening against the backdrop of early internet fandom. A fan runs a blog “as” Mima, writing in her voice about her daily life. Many fans believe it’s real. Already fragile, Mima starts to lose her grip — her actions begin mirroring what the blog posts say she did.

From there, everything collapses: the TV drama plot, her dreams, real life, the blog, and her reflections in the mirror all begin to intertwine. Scenes cut faster, her mind fractures further, and by the end, the “idol Mima” manifests like a ghost, chasing her through the night. When the mask finally comes off, the truth is revealed.

The show within the film is called Double Bind. In psychology, a double bind describes a situation where no matter what you choose, you lose. Mima wants to shed her “pure idol” image and become an actress — but she’s also trapped by fan expectations to remain the “perfect girl.” She has no true freedom, and no way out. That’s what pushes her to the edge.

On the surface, this is a story about the brutal pressure idols face — a story that has tragically repeated itself in real life, from Jonghyun to Sulli. But it also hits deeper. That double bind — feeling like no matter what you do, it’s wrong — exists far beyond the entertainment industry. A good story is powerful because it lets you glimpse your own trapped self through someone else’s pain.